(Suicide Trigger Warning)
The purpose of authentic truth... HELPING OTHERS.
I wrote this POST ON IG at the beginning of 2021. This year has been a year of freedom, growth, tears, struggles, anguish + difficult. Looking back, 2021 has not been everything I had hoped it would be or prayed it would be. It has been a major battle with my health, depression, financial struggles. I am not thriving. I am barely surviving some days, but I am SHOWING UP over and over again for myself.
In reflecting on 2020 (evaluating, mediation, honoring the hurts), I measured the heaviness of my wounds. Examining what God would ask of me in 2021 (hopes, growth, goals, dreaming big) both personally and in business - one thing was extremely clear. Honoring the hard in order to find FREEDOM moving forward. I want to be a catalyst for change + love people where they are at, no matter what. PERIOD.
(Honoring the hard)
2020 continued one of the darkest seasons both mental + physically. Stuck in a place where I felt I had to battle alone + in seclusion (as a recovering pastors wife), I have only known how to keep my darkest hurts internally tied up.
Haunted with constant depression, loneliness, loss, heartache - my mental health broke. My marriage was in pieces, walking towards divorce, some days I struggled to get out of bed and suicidal thoughts became a constant present struggle.
Driving to a secluded spot - feeling DONE - I could NOT keep going and I was there to end my life. Yep. It got that far. I was watching myself from outside of my body. Suffering. Yes I loved Jesus. Yes I knew I was loved. BUT I was suffering in silence. My closest people did not know the depths of my aching. I was beyond my breaking point - lost a deep, deep darkness.
BUT GOD, showed up + MIRACLES immediately happened. Jesus BOLDLY rescued me from myself. It took A LOT of MONTHS to begin to feel like healing was actually taking place and it took a LOT OF WORK for wholeness to take root in my heart + soul. I have learned how to grow through this darkness, see who I am created to be and find light on the other side of it all.
Positivity ranks high on my natural strengths - but it does not mean things are perfect. It means that I can honor the hard and still grow through the difficult. Honoring our stories, creating healthy spaces, prioritizing mental health, and finding out who we are created to be takes work. Even if you are sitting in your car ready to end your life - Jesus shows up + you are left on a LONG journey towards healing.
Please, create space to heal. Need help? Let's chat.
I can honesty say that I have walked through this year with similar thoughts. The stress has literally destroyed my from the inside out. Things have never gotten this far again, but the invading thoughts have been a battle that are all too familiar.
I am still honoring the difficult.
I am still showing up for myself.
I am still seek positivity.
I am still creating healthy spaces.
I am still here.