Writing words has always been a space of healing. Painting raw pictures that describe the utmost desperate need, overwhelming joy, places that heal. Words hold a power - either sweet to the soul or forcefully destructive. These words below are the cry of my heart. More accurately, the evolving cry of my heart. If I had hit submit to this post - or IG post 3 days ago, the words would stopped at in what feels like utter utter defeat.
I share with an open hearted approach because I am declaring victories from rooftops.
WRITTEN EARLY TUESDAY:
I hold both fear encompassed with the unknown AND trying to deeply trust in Jesus in completely different hands. The juxtaposition is deeply hard to reconcile. As I wander through the fears that I have regarding the mental health struggles our family is battling through creates such doubt in my heart + soul. Letting go of one is non-negotiable, letting go of the other is daunting.
I sat awake at 12:00 this morning, riddled with fear, anxiety, stress - this stressful journey is now my life. For almost 5 months there has been a crippling cloud surrounding us. The crisis is not over and it does not seem like we are close to having it be over - barring a LITERAL miracle from God. I have prayed, begged, battled, bound demons, yelled, sobbed. I am back to my fear and wondering why I am not trusting Jesus deeper.
My fears are justified.
My worries are understandable.
Things are fragile.
Things are volatile.
Things are fracturable.
Allowing one of my children to implode creates detrimental repercussions that I am not willing to allow to happen. I do not want a fractured version of my amazing child. I want the fullest life for him - the most beautiful life that he can ever imagine. The life that he DEEPLY deserves. The life that God intended outside of CPTSD and early childhood trauma.
I hold fear(control) and trust in juxtaposition and I need to let go of fear. It just seems impossible because if I cannot hold him together with my control, he will implode.
The sun rose this morning.
My tears fell heavily.
Prayers turned to begging.
Beauty for ashes.
Please grant us beauty for ashes.
Mental health struggles are literally destroying pieces of me to where I no longer recognize myself. Please Jesus make it end. Please allow it a miracle to happen.
WRITTEN LATE TUESDAY:
I stand surrendered. In openness. HANDS PALMS UP TO THE HEAVENS. Only you JESUS. GRANT us BEAUTY FOR ASHES. Allow the CROWN of beauty in Isaiah 61:3 to adorn every member of our home.
“To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair." Isaiah 61:3
We mourn + beg for a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.
WEDNESDAY:
GOD MOVED.
GOD PROVIDED A MIRACLE.
GOD WAS EVER PRESENT IN HEALING.
GOD CREATED BEAUTY.
God gave us our miracle. We are DECLARING from the rooftops that this miracle is permanent, radical, forever.
Jesus did it.
Period.
There is no way to describe it.
Jesus gave us our miracle and we are shouting it LOUDLY.
AGAIN on Thursday.
AGAIN on Friday.
This story is only partly mine and I will share the pieces that our mine to share. I watched one of my most precious children be abundantly successful for the last three days. ROOFTOP DECLARATIONS! Jesus you are worthy of the declarations of screaming of miracles and healing in the moments of the week. We are living moment by moment. These sacred moments have changed my soul. They have strengthened my love and dependance on Jesus.
OUR PRAYERS: Jesus - continue to move and heal. Continue to give a beautiful crown of beauty amidst the ashes of hurt and heartache. Jehovah Rapha. God is healer.
Heal the hurts of past traumas.
Heal the insecurities.
Heal the heartache.
IN ITS PLACE WE DECLARE BEAUTY.